“Can we be manipulated - through social pressure - to commit murder?”
That’s the chilling premise of Derren Brown’s documentary, ‘The Push’.
In it, Chris, an unsuspecting member of the public, is gradually lured into a horrifying scheme, each step more entangling than the last.
Starting with a simple task that Chris is unable to say ‘no’ to — mislabeling sausage rolls as vegetarian — the stakes rise sharply...
Until Chris faces a dire choice: pushing a man off a roof.
Shockingly, Chris complies.
Step by step, 'yes' by 'yes', Chris had been skilfully manipulated by the mentalist to this unthinkable act.
What’s the lesson?
If we don’t know how to say ‘no’, other people can control us.
While few of us might face such extreme choices…
Not saying ‘no’ means being pushed around at work, leading to the all-too-familiar feelings of burn-out, stress, anger, and resentment.
Here's the thing: Most of us are guilty of being 'yes' people.
We overcommit. We say yes to meetings we didn't have to be in. We say yes to things that simply aren't a priority for us.
Sure, it’s good to be helpful and be involved in everything. But, at what cost?
Saying yes to everything makes it hard for us to be in control of our time, stay focused on our priorities, do great work and keep sane.
If you want a satisfying career (and life), you need to learn to say ‘no’.
But do you say no to everything? Obviously not. It’s about knowing when a 'yes' is a step forward and when it's holding you back.
Which gets us to the first key lesson:
🤝 Learn to recognize a win-lose deal.
Is the other person - whether that be a colleague, your boss, or a subordinate - proposing a good long-term solution for both you, them, and the company?
If not, you should say no.
Another way of asking this is, “if I say ‘yes’, will I be happy doing this long-term?”
Every ‘yes’ sets a precedent, and teaches the other party to expect that behaviour going forward, making it much harder to change. As Derren's documentary reveals, the asks often intensify.
Now, once you’ve recognized a win-lose, how do you say ‘no’ without burning bridges?
Let’s break it down (by the way, don’t skip the disclaimer at the end):
1: 🗣️ Say, "Okay, but what should I deprioritize?"
It's almost unthinkable to say no to someone senior to you at work. But, especially if you have too much on your plate, it's your responsibility to say no so the quality of your work isn't affected.
Let them understand it's a tradeoff. Use this:
“Sure, I’m happy to make this the priority. Which of these other projects should I deprioritize to pay attention to this new project?”
Sometimes, the most effective 'no' is disguised as a 'yes'. By agreeing to the task but immediately following up with a question about prioritization, you're not just passing the buck – you're inviting your manager to see your workload holistically. It's a subtle way of saying, "I'm at capacity, and something's gotta give.
2: 💡 Say no, but offer an alternative.
It's easier to say no if you offer an alternative. Simple examples:
- "I can't make the call, but feel free to send me the key outputs to keep me posted."
- "I can't do it, but it might be worth talking to X."
The 'alternative' doesn't always have to be a person or an action. Sometimes, it can be a perspective shift. For example:
- "I can't take on another project right now, but have you considered that this might be an opportunity to test our new analyst’s capabilities? It could be a win-win – they get valuable experience, and we get to assess their potential."
3: 🔑 Make the task easier for you.
If you can't get out of something completely, try to simplify the task for you. For example, suggest an email, instead of a meeting:
"My schedule has been crazy lately, and these days, email is usually a lot easier for me. If you had some specific questions on the Resume Worded project, could you send them on email? I’ll do my best to answer them when I have some downtime."
4. 🔁 Ask for something in return.
If you suspect a colleague’s a freeloader, ask them for something in return when they ask you for a favour. If pestering you means more workload for them, they’ll stop doing it.
🚧 Disclaimer: Should we always say no?
As I mentioned earlier, recognizing when to say no is a key skill. But recognizing when to say ‘Yes’ is just as important.
After all, sometimes the weird things we say ‘yes’ to introduce us to important people, expose us to new ideas, and take our careers in a totally different (but fruitful!) direction.
So, here are some rules of thumb for when to say ‘yes’.
- Early on in your career, say ‘yes’ to almost everything - job interviews, assignments, coffees with colleagues. Your job is to be a sponge to soak up as much knowledge as you can as you try to open doors and figure out what you want to do with your life.
- If you don't know what you want to do and feel 'stuck' in your career, say 'yes' more too. It’s about following paths even if you don’t know where it leads
- As you get more settled, your ideal place is one where you say No to just about everything - because you have more opportunities than you have time for, it’s all about prioritizing only the things that really matter and that get you closer to your goals.
Practicing saying ‘no’ also improves your ability to prioritize what’s important. Choosing what to say yes or no to, on a regular basis, builds that muscle.
Well, I hope those were helpful. I try to experiment with the topics I cover each week so you're able to look at your career from different perspectives, and you're more rounded as a result.