How do you get what you want in life?
(Whether that be money, a good relationship, a satisfying career, or your 4-year old to eat his vegetables?)
Well…
If what you want involves other people (which most things do), then a lot of it boils down to just one skill:
Negotiation.
Persuading your boss to give you a raise, convincing your partner to go to Greece on holiday, or even getting someone to come back from the brink when they’re trying to jump off a bridge and end it all…
It all comes down to negotiation.
The sad part?
Despite being a fundamental life skill, most people spend their lives butchering it.
So today, I wanted to give you 4 quick tips for how to get better at negotiation.
Let’s go.
👂 The all-important “C” word
Charlie Munger, the eclectic business partner of maybe the greatest investor of all time, Warren Buffett, said something brilliant:
“I never allow myself to have an opinion on anything that I don’t know the other side’s argument better than they do.”
In other words…
If Charlie wanted to be religious, he’d have to defend atheism better than an atheist. And if Charlie wanted to go paleo, he’d have to argue for veganism better than vegans do.
It’s a brilliant principle…
And one that brings us to our first negotiation tip:
Be Curious about the other party!
Do you know what the other side really wants? Do you know what the other side really does NOT want?
Think about asking for a raise. Many people walk in with a number in mind and start listing reasons why they deserve it.
But what if your boss is more concerned about the company's tight budget? Or they're worried about maintaining pay equity across the team?
By being curious and asking questions first, you might discover that proposing a phased increase over time or suggesting a bonus tied to specific company milestones could be more effective than just asking for a flat raise. Your questions might reveal opportunities you hadn't considered.
If you don’t know what the other party wants, you’re going to be in an incredibly poor negotiating position, bringing us to principle #2:
🤝 Cupid beats Compromise
When we’re negotiating, our default reasoning mode is “compromise”. We want 50. They say 30. So we meet in the middle at 40, right?
But here’s the thing:
Compromise doesn’t work if you don’t know what the other party wants.
I mean, imagine it:
“How would you like to buy our grass-fed steaks?”
“Ummm, I’m a vegan. I don’t eat meat.”
“How about we knock off 50% then?”
That would be delusional, and shows how compromise can actually insult the person you’re negotiating with.
A better approach?
The “Cupid” approach:
Find out what their heart truly desires, then negotiate.
People in a negotiation don't always want the same thing. (Remember this. Write this down somewhere. Then underline it twice.)
Some examples:
- Say you’ve written a book and you’re negotiating with a movie studio. You might just want money, but they might care more about the rights to use your characters in video games or action figures – things you might not care about.
By knowing this, you can offer them more of what they want and get more of what you want (in this case, money). - In your career, this matters. Let's say you're negotiating for a new job. You might be intensely focused on salary, but your potential employer might be very concerned about start date, leadership gaps, or your availability.
By understanding their priorities, you could get a higher salary by offering to:- Start sooner
- Take on managerial responsibilities
- Sometimes work flexible hours to speak to their team in Australia
It's not about compromise, it's about finding what each party values most.
How do you find out what people want?
Try this:
🧔 Ask “Chris Voss” questions
“I can’t. It’s not in our budget.”
A rookie mistake here is replying, “Why?” or “Why not?”, which puts people on the defensive and turns negotiation into confrontation.
(“I don’t want to go to Mexico on holiday.”
“Why?”
“I just don’t, okay!”)
Instead, ask what Chris Voss, the FBI’s “go-to” negotiator in high-stakes hostage situations, calls a “mirroring question”:
“I don’t want to go to Mexico on holiday.”
“You don’t want to go to Mexico on holiday?”
“Yeah, it just.. I dunno, I think I’d rather stay at home and spend time with family, you know.”
To do this, repeat what they’ve just said 1) as a question, and 2) with a rising tone at the end. It’ll come across as curiosity (not hostility), which’ll make them naturally open up and tell you what they’re thinking.
Here are some examples you can use at work:
- If a colleague says, "I don't think your idea will work for our team," mirror back with, "You don't think it will work for our team?" This’ll get them to elaborate on their concerns, letting you address them directly.
- When a client tells you, "This proposal is too expensive," try echoing, "The proposal is too expensive?" They’d usually then reveal more details of why which will allow you to tailor something to them.
Ok, last tip:
🌡️ Let off the pressure
Imagine you get a cold call from a stranger. Which opening question would make you feel more pressured:
A) Hey, you got a few minutes?
B) Hey, is this a terrible time to talk?
If you’re like me, Question A makes you feel way more pressured.
Why?
Because it’s trying to get you to do something.
Question B, on the other hand, puts very little pressure on you because it gives you a very easy “out” by almost assuming a “no” (which ironically makes you more likely to hear what the guy’s got to say.)
So remember:
“No-orientated” questions reduce pressure, whereas “yes-oriented” questions increase pressure.
- Bad: Can we talk about salary?
- Good: Would it be a terrible time to talk about salary?
I hope that helps you feel more prepared for the next negotiation you find yourself in. You might not need this right away, so consider starring or bookmarking this email, and refer back to it when you need it most.